Chapter 3: Voluptua is on the Case

Fr. Stephen and Tarin walked into a bar, followed closely by three nuns, three Irishmen, and several talking animals.
Fr. Stephen looked around. “Why do all the men in here look like they escaped from the covers of Harlequin romance novels?”
“Who cares,” said Tarin, “I brought a change of panties. Dirty martini, please.”
As Tarin the Righteous and Fr. Stephen ordered their drinks, they were unaware that they were being watched by two creatures of unspeakably well-dressed evil, who were lurking attractively in a dark corner. One of these was Roquefort.
“Look, already the dangerous Lady Tarin, Tarin the Righteous and Tarin the Often Braless, is on our trail,” Roquefort drawled softly.
“Our trail?” purred his companion. “I rather think, darling Roquefort, that she’s only on yours.”
Roquefort cast a sidelong glance at the woman to his right: for it was none other than Voluptua, the oldest and most beautiful female vampire, raven haired, ruthless, rapacious, ravenous for the fluids of innocent men.
“I don’t know how you stay out of these scrapes, Voluptua. Alright then, they’re after me. Should I kill her now and be done? Kill the priest as a warning? Order another drink?”
“No, no, that’s boring,” Voluptua said, her eyes gazing at the couple by the bar, “I have a much better idea. I seduce the girl, Tarin. Then, while she’s questioning her sexuality, I seduce the priest. Then, while he’s questioning his vocation, you and I have a lot of incredibly kinky sex. You lie in bed recovering. I then have follow-up sex with both the girl and the priest. We all do a few lines of coke. Possibly we’ll get Lucretius to stop by. I’ll seduce him. Then we’ll have a drink, smoke a joint maybe, have a goodbye shag. Then it’ll back to the old routine of feasting on the blood of the living. Brilliant, what?”
“Voluptua,” said Roquefort, “that plan is not without glowing merits. But, like most of your plans, it appears to consist entirely of you sleeping with everyone involved—and I’m not saying I object, here—I just don’t see how it in any way solves my problem of what to do with Tarin the Righteous stalking me.”
“Oh,” Voluptua said. “Well I was about to work that in anyway, although I must say it seems a bit tangential. They’ll completely see the error of their ways and side with the forces of darkness. And if they don’t, then I’ll have earned their trust and can always slaughter them in a ruthless and gory way.”
“Voluptua, they say your beauty is so blinding that no mortal can ever know you, because they grow maddened by your loveliness. And yet now I see that even this beauty is eclipsed by the supple brilliance of your foul mind. Kiss me, darling!”
“I don’t like kissing men whom I can’t kill when I want to,” said Voluptua, “but do allow me to shag you mercilessly in the handicapped stall of the men’s room.”
“No clawing.”
“No promises.”